The Work-In-Progress Man, Step #1!

I’m getting ready to take the most serious, permanent, and life-changing decisions any FtM Transman can take! As such I need a solid base of people and professionals I can rely on and talk to when I begin the next step, and whilst I monitor myself.

My last therapists have all been awesome, and the past 3-4 have all written me T-letters I never used. I guess I just wasn’t ready, but in turn each one moved away or stopped answering my calls, or I myself moved out of the feasible range to continue seeing them.

The only psychiatrist I’ve ever had was part of a big complex facility that was beyond impossible to get ahold of, harder to keep up appointments with, and constantly cancelled and moved around on me — good riddance!

I’ve just called the only psychologist and the only psychiatrist on my insurance’s plan that has a transgendered specialty and has evening appointments — it was kinda like fate was saying something there. I didn’t realize it was the Sunday of a three-day-weekend, but I get good feelings about both of them — and one even answered when I called!! This is in STARK contrast to the loads of others I called, sometimes 5 in a day that never called me back.

I’ve done more research into not only what processes and surgeries would make me happier, but which I need to undergo to become a legal male in the state of California. They require top surgery (double mastectomy) AND a hysterectomy (the former which you can only undergo 1-2 years after starting Testosterone, the latter you can only undergo 2-4 years after starting Testosterone) for some, and yet some get away with only undergoing top surgery. Frankly, all of the health concerns/sterilization/my distaste for periods/desire never to have kids involved with the uterus once you start T make it so I wouldn’t mind removing it BEFORE I have a problem. And certainly there’s never been any question as to my distaste for my chest. Worst-case scenario, the only other surgery I’d have to undergo to become legal would be a phalloplasty, so that even when completely naked — my body would only look male. I’d have a permanent addition to my nether regions, an actual skin-made penis shaft I’d be able to pee through. Some also ask for a stiffening rod you can pump to give yourself a pseudo erection for sexual play (and I hear it works quite well). While I never considered this before, they look better than they ever have before and only continue to work better, not to mention in the very worst-case scenario they cannot deny my changing my gender on my driver’s license if I get this far.

The only reason I’ve taken the process so painstakingly slow is mainly because I knew I wasn’t ready to jump in 110%, and I always thought of T as a means to an end. It’s the start of the process, and starting something always takes the longest. Scary things, beautiful things, wonderful things — all of these can be caused by T if you wait long enough. I’m worried, as someone who’s been diagnosed as Bipolar 2, that T will change me in some horrific way. I know about the mood swings post-T, but who knows. Maybe T will mellow me out. I don’t have much of a sex drive now, that will be a willing change (as a person I do love sex, I just find myself frustratingly never in the mood). The rest, only time will tell!

Things to look forward to: Within 3-4 months, most transmen see a HUGE voice drop while on T. It’s amazing, really! 6 months to a year, you see the facial hair and fat redistribution. In 1-2 years, gaining muscle will become easier and any last little inklings of height you have left will eek themselves out — and some guys even experience a gain in 1-2 shoe-sizes!

This post will feel short because I’ve talked myself out of blogging for its’ long and time-consuming posts. I may keep them a tad shorter (but just as informative) like this, in order to keep myself blogging more often.