A Long Time In Coming.

So, it’s been a very long time since I last updated (like a month-ish) and I feel that enough has happened I should probably get down to the business of writing it all down.

 

First off, probably the biggest thing is that I now own a wheelchair. It’s on the cheaper side of things, being an 18″ Medline — it is lightweight, but I was able to get it marked way down — the total of the chair (+free cupholder), the legrests, the cushion, a small bag I can stow stuff in under the seat (perfect size for a laptop, a water bottle or two and some snacks), and a pair of padded climbing gloves (to keep my hands from getting torn up as I wheel myself around) came up to about 200$ — but I was also able to get a 5$ umbrella clasp for bikes/wheelchairs/walkers the just in case.

I am brand new to this whole world I have ahead of me. Quite literally, it’s a world of less pain, more freedom and more trips to places I love like the Aquarium and the Huntington Gardens. Before, I would sit all day at my computer all day because I knew if I got up to stand or to walk or to move I would be in pain for hours — now I have no excuse! I can hop in my chair, roll down to the store, have fun in museums, explore the aquarium and do all of it without regretting it for the rest of the day (and most of the time, the day after). What makes me so sad, is when other people pity me, or dislike the fact that I’ve gotten my chair. I am not sad that I have a chair, though I wish I didn’t feel I needed one, I’m really happy to finally have something at my disposal I can rely on in order to be more productive and get more done.

For whatever reason out of all of the problems that I have, my carpal tunnel bothers me the least! When I pushed myself in a very similar model to the chair I now own for several hours at the Huntington Gardens, I felt a tad sore — and nothing else. Normally I would’ve been begging to go home, limping and in extreme pain by about halfway through, where as this time I went last I was happy, upbeat, I felt no need to lash out at the people around me — and best of all I left completely painless.

The true test will be how I feel after the convention I go to every year (and have for the last 12 or so). It’s called ‘Loscon’ and while I’d never be anywhere else, the days are long, hard, and filled with walking. No swimming for me this year, even though I’m perfectly capable of getting up out of my chair, this year I’m going to really break my chair in and see how much more I can enjoy myself when I’m not in pain all the time.

I will not be using my chair every day, nor will I be in it when I don’t need it — but I find that if the absolute worst case scenario comes to pass and I lose most or all of the ability to stand, I’ll STILL end up happier in life than I would have otherwise. I’m carving myself a way out of Survival Mode and into the rest of my life, and I’m gonna make it the best one I can damnit!

 

Phew! Secondly, I am back in with a therapist. I REALLY love the one I was able to find, but her appointments are expensive enough that there’s no way I’ll be able to see her more than once a week. She’s perfectly happy and willing to write my T letter for me, but there’s little point in doing so now as I don’t yet have a new psychiatrist. None of the ones I’ve called so far are calling me back, but I’m ¬†hopeful and optimistic!

The way she treats you is that if you’re doing okay she gives you an entire hour of just talking it out, but if there’s work to be done for any reason, she gives you 35 minutes of talking it out, and 25 minutes of a really calming meditation CD where she hooks a band up to your head and plays music that align your various energy centers and help you heal yourself from the inside out. Many people may not believe in it, or think it works, but I’ve already seen a difference in my ability to remember things, and the quality of my sleep. I may not be sleeping any longer at night, but I’ve at least fallen into a more deep sleep during the time I get in the morning.

 

Thirdly, I’ve discovered I have some serious issues I need to work out. The main one would be that whatever it is that used to happen to me when I got into a car after my 3 accidents has progressed into full on panic attacks that leave me a shivering, shaking, unhappy mess. I get flashes back to all three accidents, even the one that wasn’t as bad (though it was my first), and find it extremely difficult to concentrate on driving — so I’m gonna have my therapist help me work on that as a priority.

Until I realized what was happening wasn’t normal, and really took a long hard look at what was happening to me, I had no IDEA they were panic attacks. Kinda scary when you’re suddenly experiencing one and you don’t know why or what is going on.

 

That’s all I can think of for now, I’m gonna go do some cleaning and make room for my new chair in the middle bedroom. Here’s to hoping everything goes well!

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