Changing my name, my gender, and my legal identity.

This is gonna be a doozy so go grab a glass of water, pull up a chair, and get comfy.

.

From the first time I said my name aloud, I loved it and I hated it. I’ve never been able to explain why — as I loved being unique and as far as I knew I only knew one other Taylor. “Taylor Michael Scott”, my parents knew what they would call me the moment they both said it aloud.

When I was younger I swung from intensely boyish to intensely girly, and several times I asked to change my name in kind. From the times when I tried so hard to be girly that I wanted to be called “Crystal” to the more neutral times I wanted to create an identity for myself and desired “Kasoka” to the later and more confident masculine times I asked my friends to call me “Tai” and “Bo.” No matter the friend, whatever name they called me had some effect on what I said, how I acted, and our relationship as a whole. It was almost imperceptible to anyone but me and perhaps my family.

I found out rather quickly that I needed to be very sure on what I wanted to be called or I would really regret it. When called a nickname like “Tay-tay” I cringed and sought out something better — and every time someone called me something I wanted, I did a little dance inside. My characters have always had very carefully chosen names with meanings in various languages, and from “Crystal” on I never asked for a nickname unless I was absolutely sure.

8 or so years later I still have people calling me everything from “Tai” to “Kasoka” to “Bo” to “Tay-tay.” If I asked someone to switch nicknames they usually wouldn’t, and my parents were especially cross if I asked for anything but “Taylor.”

I can’t stress enough just how much names mean to me. How carefully they have to be picked, how much they effect the person, and how changing one can be critical. No two Annes may act alike, and an Erin and a Baxter might act very similar, but I really do believe what you pick is life-changing.

.

I’ve had many therapists over the years as I began my transition which is still a long time in the making. Many of them asked me if I liked my name, if I planned to change it, and ultimately — why not? While I may not have liked “Taylor” I appreciated what was a good intention — something unisex for a boy or a girl, something that straddled the line with a distinct masculine flavor when introduced to my middle and last names — both men’s first names.

For the first time in my life, I’m seriously considering changing my name. I don’t want to jump into it, I don’t want to choose arbitrarily, and I don’t want to ruin the intention my parents were going for. The last thing I want to do is insult them by rejecting the name they chose for me! I thought about doing [NEW NAME] TAYLOR [MIDDLE NAME] [LAST NAME] or [NEW NAME] TAYLOR [LAST NAME] but I’m not sure how two middle names work — and my middle name is the name of my Uncle (and I don’t want to burn whatever bridge we have left since an awful fight we got into many years ago). I’m running names by every person in my life I can think of, trying to find the perfect one that will help me signal the turning point in my transition.

This name would be the milestone that shows me I’ve officially gone from a girl that feels like a boy, to a man that’s trying to do himself right. I intend to wait minimum until I have top surgery to change my name if at all, which requires a year on hormones once I find a psychiatrist to give my T letter to. Once I do or don’t do so — it’s onto possible bottom surgery (SRS) and finally the official legal gender change on my birth certificate.

.

I know my Mom won’t be happy about it, though my Dad may not mind. I’m getting advice from other FtM that were in my position, as well as people I know that changed their name for other reasons. We’ll have to see what I come up with.

.

Names I like so far: Caspian, Olliver

Social tagging: