Looking back

I know I’ve only been on T for just over 4 months, but I’ve had so many experiences having been out as trans* for what feels like so many years — I’m only just realizing now how far I’ve come…and how impossible it would’ve been for me to truly pass before. It’s disappointing to think that as hard as I used to work — getting people to use all male pronouns and using male on all my applications and coming out to so many people and double binding — or using ace bandages and tights pre-binders and cutting my hair off and wearing all men’s clothes and doing my best to talk low (which still made me sound like a chipmunk)…none of it mattered. And I’m so glad I only just figured this out now, or it would’ve felt like everything I was doing was pointless, especially right as it felt like my chance at hormones was being taken away from me again.

Right now I have only passed once in the last several weeks (over a skype call with a friend’s friend to whom I was outed before having been met) — and the time I sort of passed before this was a haircut, and I’m still not 100% sure I passed or not, but the last time I got my hair cut I certainly did not. I have a long way to go, but it feels like I’ve come so far I should be passing more by now. I shouldn’t have this much of a problem getting people to see me the way I want to be seen, I’m so close to /being there/ I just don’t understand what else I can be doing. Which means there isn’t really anything else I can be doing. Which is beyond frustrating.

This blog is gonna be a short one…I just really needed to get that off my chest. Ah well.